Caption: "I hate my Asian brother because he doesn't have blue eyes"
I’ve heard this in real life, and I’ve also read it online. Some Asian American females will actually say this! “I don’t want to date Asian men because they remind me of my brother or father.” This is really weird to me because the only women who say this are Asian American women. What gives? I’ve never heard a black girl say that, a hispanic girl, nor any white girls. Doesn’t make any sense, you know? Is it because in some parts of the US there are way less Asians than Blacks and Hispanics? Perhaps if this Asian American female lived in Utah all her life, and the only Asian guys she knew were her brother and father, then it might kind of make sense but it’s still a crazy broad association. But, how can you not know Asians outside of your home these days? Asians are friggin’ everywhere! You go to any city, and you’ll see a Chinatown. You go to every other restaurant and it’s Asian owned. You can pick up a rock on a beach and you’ll find an Asian or two underneath.
When an Asian American girl says this, what they are actually admitting is that they have been whitewashed by America. What they are actually saying is that Asian guys all look alike! (Wow. It’s one thing when a white person says this, but when a fellow Asian says this, it’s a shock. ) They haven’t made enough male friends in the Asian community to see the different personality types. They just see colors: yellow, white, black, brown. They probably watched 90210 growing up with her white girlfriends and actually believe that Dylan and Brandon are what a boyfriend should look like. These AA girls fail to realize that they have no resemblance to Brenda or Kelly.
I’ve heard the theories. They say it may be because they were abused by their fathers, and have associated ‘Asian men’ with negative feelings. But, I don’t think every AA woman that says this could possibly be abused, so that doesn’t make sense to me. Some say it is because they want to marry up. I don’t have the answer, and honestly I don’t care if AA girls date/marry white guys. I just think they should stop saying this stupid phrase because it has nothing to do with anything, and makes them sound silly. Just say ‘I like dating white guys’. That’s all you have to say. Don’t blame your poor brotha.
Ref SAM.
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1) I loved 90210. Why? maybe part of me desired to be part of that “in” white popular cool crowd when i was in high school. Plus, I thought shannon doherty was hot. and the storylines? top notch writing.
2) I’ve never heard of this before from AA women – the “bro” reference. I do appreciate the honesty from them though and I’d rather hear it than not. At least they are being straight up rather than giving some P.C. diplomatic bullshit answer/reason.
3) I disagree that there are many many parts in U.S. where there are literally no Asians. I’ve been to several: Elma, rural parts of TX, and even southern OR. All whites and no minorities.
correction above: in (3), i meant to say “I disagree…there ARE many parts in U.S. where there…”
It’s really hard to figure out why they’d say this. I don’t get it either. I can’t believe it’s because she hates her father cuz he was abusive. unless the daughter was physicall/sexually abused but this is extremely rare in Asian families/dads. I can see a bit of resentment towards the father but still doesn’t explain it. I just don’t know any Asian guy saying “I would never date asian women cuz they look/resemble my mom/sister”. WWTF!!! Ludicrous!
Well, part of why I don’t date white is this reason. (Granted, my brother and father were angry, violent men, so negative association there.) I reckon if I wanted to date someone who looked like me, I’d just be gay, hey. I know some great white boys who I really wish I could date, I do, but we look too alike, like relations, and I find that squicky.
But it’s true, a lot of Asian-American girls say this, many of my friends do. If meant sincerely, valid point, but largely it’s code for “I wish I was white, and Asian men remind me of my family who remind me that I’m not white.” And THAT’s messed up, and I agree with you calling self-loathing and white-washing here. (Although it’s not the case for all AA chicks who date out.)
speechless…I wonder what your co-workers, family, and friends think when they read this shit you write.
1) It’s interesting that AA women say/think this MORE than AA men do. I wonder why. AA men get more shit for being Asian than AA women, generally. So I’d think AA men would think this way more than AA women.
2) I can’t believe some AA women/men would think them being Asian is ugly or so negative that they go far as to avoid dating any AA altogether because it reminds them of being Asian. That is ridiculous. Are they that ashamed for being Asian? that’s so sad that somehow, someway, they have come to the conclusion that being Asian is egregious enough. sad.
I still don’t quite understand the phenomenon. I wish an Asian American Girl would pipe up and tell us what it’s all about.
Here’s a theory: As an Asian American girl who was raised with very few Asians around, they would assimilate and rightfully so, oftentimes becoming very Americanized. Later, when they eventually meet more Asian Americans, they feel very nervous and ashamed because it reminds them of their culture which they forgot and left behind. They are ashamed that they have lost their ability to speak, and lack a better understanding of their Asian heritage, culture and manners. They just want to leave it all behind and feel good about themselves as they are, so they reject that Asian part of themselves. They don’t want to outright say ‘I hate that Asian side of me so I won’t date Asians’, so they just say “he reminds me of my brother”.
I agree with you, Sam. The excuse given by AA females that they don’t want to date Asian men because they remind them of their brother/father is absolute bullshit. It makes no sense at all. Females from no other race make such a lame excuse why they don’t like males of their own race. In fact, the idea of hate for one’s own race is a symptom that the person has a psychological dysfunction associated with their identity, or lack of an identity in this case. The AA female using this excuse is in complete denial or just lying. She should just cut the crap and come clean and just admit the truth; what they hate is Asian character and culture. They hate being Asian.
These AA females have grown up completely brainwashed by white popular culture and the racist attitudes it has against Asians as a class and in particular Asian males. They accept what they are taught by popular culture and they detest and despise the character, look, sound, and idea of the Asian male exactly for the same reasons that white America despises the Asian male. It is so obvious; they grow up never seeing any Asian male in the media in a positive role of any responsibility, credibility, or respectability. In Hollywood, the Asian male is the antagonist, the joke, the criminal, the weak character that should be discarded and ridiculed and killed off early. The only time you see Asian males in the news in when it is related to some story with negative undertones that supports the typical stereotype. Ultimately they believe that beauty, power, admiration, and all the other desirable characteristics that females want, are just not Asian. So, the AA female grows up seeing and eventually accepting these things as true. Aww, they want to fit in so bad, to assimilate and be accepted into the white culture in which they are immersed. But each morning, looking in the mirror it is clear that this is not so. But here comes the white male asia-phile to their rescue. Their white knight is an affirmation that they have finally fit into mainstream culture and have been saved from the evils of the Asian male and of anything associated with things Asian. Acceptance has arrived. With their white knight in hand they feel that they are mainstream, they are normal, they are better than the Asian.
THAT is why AA females don’t date Asian men.
I’m an Asian American female and I’ll tell you why. For many of us, it’s not about hating being Asian or hating Asian American culture. You have to agree that there are aspects of traditional Asian culture and modern American culture that are absolutely opposite. My own mother tells me not to date Asian men, especially if he’s an only child, b/c he will expect me to be the kind of wife and mother HIS mother was. For someone I love, I am happy to keep a nice home, make dinners, etc. but I am not submissive and I’ll be a sex kitten only when I want to be. Certainly we’re not all “abused” by our fathers and brothers, but we don’t have equal “rights” either. My brother had no curfew, unlimited spending money, and new cars because he was the boy who would carry on the family name. I had to work hard in school and get good grades, not so that I could be successful and do what I wanted to do, but so that I could find a good husband at my top tier college. My parents discouraged me from going for my PhD because a lot of men, especially Asian men, don’t want wives who are THAT well educated. We have to be pretty and refined, but not so much that we attract men’s attention. I’ve been told that I’m very intelligent and above-average in looks. I don’t look stereotypically Asian, as in I don’t have squinty eyes and I’m 5’7″. I have NEVER been asked out by an Asian guy in my life and my close Asian guy friends say it’s because I’m simply too intimidating to them. My close white guy friends say that they like that I’m happy being Asian and feminine and I’m not trying to compete with them like they feel other white American girls are. And, Asian women find it weird that everyone thinks we’re trying to be white. Asian beauty tradition for thousands of years has thought of clear white skin as the healthiest, without skin damage that will age our skin and make us look older than our years. White American women on the other hand, are always wanting to be tan and brown, which is a sign of working in the fields and doing manual labor, basically being lower class. Having white skin has nothing to do with wanting to be American. The equivalent Chinese insult for being “white-washed” refers more to not taking care of yourself, not looking put together, being crude, not being informed about the world, not being able to socialize well with people. What we dislike about Asian men is that they’re brought up to think that being manly is to put down women, to be in control of their women. So when they feel threatened by us, or by white men, they just go even further down that route and become even less attractive to us. Plus, now male fashion in Asia is so androgynous, I find it completely unappealing that a guy would spend more time on his skin and hair than I would.
Heh, so I re-read my post and realized I didn’t make this part as clear as I wanted to. I would absolutely prefer to marry an Asian guy because he would understand how I got to be who I am, my Asian upbringing obviously played a big part in that. My parents really aren’t that “bad.” They’ve been in the U.S. for over 30 years, my mother has an advanced degree, and actually made more than my father at times in her career. That did cause a lot of problems in their marriage that affects my perspective. But I would hope that I would find the right guy that wouldn’t be like that, and respect my ambitions and know that I wouldn’t sacrifice my family for that. The Caucasian guys I’ve date have never worked out because they simply don’t understand the Asian concepts of family and history and traditions. It’s a lot deeper than a mashed potatoes recipe at Thanksgiving. But, Asian guys don’t ask me out, so I feel like they’re not giving ME a chance! Their mothers are telling them that I’m not suitable!
See SAMs! If you don’t ask, you don’t receive!
Thank you for writing Risa. That’s very insightful. We have written before on this site that SAMs can be too passive about asking women out. A lot of Asian American guys don’t have the proactive spirit to ask girls out, especially if they are beautiful like I think you probably are. Such a big mistake. The fact that you have not been asked out by an Asian guy is proof that you’re hot.
There are some inept traditional SAMs who feel they have to dominate the relationship, but most modern AA guys have a more cooperative mindset. In my relationship, we never compete since it doesn’t make sense. My wife’s successes are my successes, and vice versa. I would LOVE to be a stay home dad if I could.
Culture is definitely so important for me, too. It’s nice when your partner just “gets it” without explanation. We can share certain experiences like a cherry blossom viewing or a Japanese drama, or traditional cuisine without misunderstandings.
Unfortunately, Risa, my suggestion for you is to actually ask some SAMs out yourself. It’s hard, but I don’t know how long it will take SAMs to evolve into confident guys.
Thanks for writing back! I find it really weird to ask guys out. I do have some of those traditional roles ingrained in me I guess, lol! But have you ever noticed how you get these huge AA groups where the guys and girls are constantly pairing off and switching and stuff? It’s hard for me to make clear that I’m asking a guy out as a date, not just as friends or some weird asexual pairing…Other Asian girls don’t like me doing it either. They’re quite protective of the guys they’re NOT dating!
Yeah, we’ve covered that a little bit: AA groups love to hang out in huge groups. I’ve always stayed away from them since they tend to cause a lot of issues. Once there is inter-dating, all these factions form, there is backstabbing, and it gets too dramatic for me. I tend to find girls outside of that pool.
Also, we’ve written about friends cockblocking. I think that’s what’s going on in your situation. Asian women can be quite territorial, even if it’s not their man! (I think they are saving them for a rainy day.) If they were real friends, they’d try to hook you up so that you become happy. Are there lots of Asians where you live, Risa?
Heh, I used my real name and there’s not many of me so I’m going to be vague! I had a friend google ‘Risa’ once and he found a lot of Japanese “lingerie models.” I live in the metro area, and a big part of the asian population is probably students from the three main universities here. There are more Asians out in the burbs I’m sure. My parents don’t believe me, but I haven’t found a single real Chinese restaurant that’s actually in-town. About 15 exits away there’s a sort of K-town and there is a large Vietnamese population too. So yes, they are around but hiding or too far away! The SAM’s I’m used to must be a small subset, engineering and computer science grad students still acting like college kids and so on. That’s certainly not all my experience but it’s tiring to think about dealing with being too Asian or not Asian enough in addition to the usual guy/girl stuff. I’m glad that my observations aren’t totally off base though. Most of my college friends are not Asian so I don’t have that many people I can gripe to and get a sanity check. Asian moms freak me out too. They want a lot for their sons. I think I’ll entertain myself with reading past posts…
Okay fine then. Fair enough. Here’s my comeback. “I don’t want to date Asian women because they remind me of my sister” jk, but in actuality as an AA male I do have a thing for non-Asian girls since I was a little kid in grade school. As a matter of fact I’ve turned down Asian girls because I’m into white girls and latinas and that’s why till this day I am a SAM.
I guess to each their own and people do have their preferences but to say that Asian women prefer dating white men is an understatement. I think the truth is to Asian women, Asian men resemble their dads too much so those of you who knows what I’m talking about will understand the reasoning behind it, beside the brainwashing by the media of course. In my eyes Asian women are very weak minded to be influenced like that.
What I like about a woman: I like a strong minded woman who can think for herself and not let any external sources deter and influence her.
It’s a complete cop out when any woman that says something like “I don’t date xxx race because they remind me of my” brother or father. Latina women say this as well.
The girl just doesn’t want to tell you to your face the real reasons for her choice. She may date asian men, but just not you or one of your friends. For whatever reason, lying about why she dates who she dates just seemed better to her. The bad thing is if you push one of these women into giving you a real answer she will probably not like you anymore.
In loose terms of the whole face saving or losing concept. I could be wrong, but isn’t this type of behavior deeply ingrained in most asian cultures? Meaning the desire not to insult someone to their face or in public. Saying someone is like your brother or father is not an really an insult unless they have specified that they have a horrible brother or father. Now maybe if they said “asian men remind me of my mother” it would be some type of insult. I don’t think this type of behavior from asian women is too much different that giving out fake phone numbers to men. But at least you can deal with that as a man – the men who know better use the woman’s phone to call their phone. And if they don’t let them do so, then they spend time pursuing women who show interest in them.
I don’t ask an Asian girl out, because I don’t feeling Asian women are loyal to Asian men. Asian women are always trashing talking Asian men this and that, as if we are like our father.
Most of the time, sons are not like their father. I don’t know where this shit about Asian men want women to stay home and cook for them, in this day and age, who can afford a wife to stay at home and cook. LMAO.
All the excuse from 1950′s is pure bullshit and laughable. I think Asian men are a lot nicer because we know we are neglected and when Asian women fuel the fire and stereotype and trash talk about us, well that just turn me off.
No thank you.
I’m a Black Male, and we are dealing with Black women become like Asian Women(no offense). I hear every BS excuse in the book.
The reality is that all of these minority girls grew up watching these TV shows which Glorified White men. So they see him as Ideal.
What is really trippy is that Asian Men on the whole have the highest earning potential of all men in America. Hell there are groups of Black women dying to date an Asian Guy.
Anyway. We got our own issues. lol. Just wanted to chime in.
I think a lot of the fascination with white men might extend from that fact that, especially in American cinema, many male leads portrayed in mainstream cinema are Caucasian. Few, if any, have AA men who rescue the girl although that has slowly started to change. It’s not just AA women, women of numerous other races seem to think similarly. For instance, many of my African American female friends are also attracted to Caucasian men but feel their own ethnicity prevents this kind of union somehow.
Just research the majority of Disney films that many young American girls were exposed to. All male leads for the most part. Offhand, I can only think of Aladin and Mulan that even had AM depicted in a hero sense.
We begin to associate desirability with an ethnicity from years of constant exposure to just one form of attractiveness, white males.
Anecdotally, I grew up watching Disney in addition to Korean and Japanese soap operas as a child. And as an adult, have a mutual attraction to men of several races. Perhaps because I had so much exposure to these races being portrayed in an attractive, desirable light from childhood.
This might be just an inference but I hope it bears some insight into why American women, especially AA women, go for the white guys.
Risa’s asking for the confident Asian man to sweep her off her feet, reminds me of the funny saying that women are often surprised that the perfect man they want to be after them, is also the perfect man that other women are after.
If you want the man to choose, don’t be surprised if he doesn’t choose you. ‘Cause if you’re not taking responsibility for initiating relationships, don’t complain if you don’t like what comes your way – we live in an age of equality after all.
The moment she treats it(having a relationship with the perfect guy) like a competition, she better be more accommodating in order to “win”.
And the moment she treats it like a competition, it’s no longer real attraction or love anymore, it’s all about proving that “other women can’t love him the way I do”.
Like the heartwarming story about the Japanese man who married the woman who killed his girlfriend and she went to jail for it. You got to admit, that’s dedication, right there.