"Why do most Americans treat the elders like crap?"
Typically, in Asian culture, respect for the elders (senior citizens), such as grandmothers and grandfathers, is very important. In Korean, we change the entire way of speaking when talking and addressing to an elder. It consists of a more formalized language that’s indicative of respect. When I was in Korea, you give up your seat in the subway when an elder is present. You bow and never call them out by saying “hey!” You open doors and never smoke in their presence. When you are drinking beer, you turn to the right and then drink. You should pour the drink for them with both hands. You definitely don’t curse or utter profanities in front of them. You don’t talk over them or talk to them as if they are beneath you.
But in American culture, it seems the older generations get treated like shit sometimes. There seems to be no respect. They are sometimes viewed as a nuisance because they are slow drivers on the road. It seems they are forgotten and turned away by society. I’ve seen people yell, scream, and curse in front of their grandparents. If you’re Asian, you have to agree with me that the idea of respect for the elders is more prevalent and important amongst Asians than the general American population. The “oldies” in America, such as the aging baby boomers, are considered old fashion and passé. They are not viewed as wise and full of life with lots of fascinating stories. What do you think?
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I find it’s actually quite the opposite in American culture: my friends are alot closer and more social with their parents than me or my cousins are. They drink with their parents, toss back shots, and share dirty jokes and stories with them. The sarcasm often runs deep but taken in good nature. Stuff I would never do with my parents. It’s not a sign of disrespect, it’s a level of camaderie lacking in Asian culture.
Put it this way: would you ever flirt with your aunties? HELL NO. In contrast, I often find myself flirting good-naturedly with my caucasian friends’ moms and the older ladies at my work. Again, it’s not disrespect, but you’re not expected to check your shame at the door either.
Its true in asian culture we respect our elders more. Would we ever put them in a retirement home? Nope. We let them stay at our home. And Yes in Korean and Japanese there are different vocabulary used to talk to your superiors.
I’ve found this to be an underhanded way of claiming that whites DON’T value family, and is a stereotype of Asian culture that is fairly untrue. Yes, there is the Confucian etc tradition of respect and deference to elders, but I’ve observed it’s very rarely practiced in China, except when other people are watching so the can have face.
Many a time have I been the only person on the bus or subway to give my seat to an old person, only to watch some young punk elbow them out of the way and grab it.
Yeah, old people live with their adult kids, but the ones in my neighborhood are not well-cared for, really are just a free maid. Plus retirement homes are low caliber, and people are too cheap to spend on good ones. There are exceptions, I know some really close Chinese families, but they are pretty rare.
What’s true is that the individual members of Western families have a lot more autonomy. My grandma used to live with my mom, but got sick of it and moved into a “retirement community” because she wanted to have a life of her own gossiping with her old pals and doing old lady stuff, and she’s much happier there. We still adore her and shower her with attention. The Western ideal is to have your adult kids live down the street from you, rather than in the same house as you. When I have kids someday, I want them to eventually grow up, go have their own adventures, make their own mistakes, visit often and call daily.
I agree with Shanghai Meimei. I find it quite infuriating that Chinese people only “do the talk but don’t walk the walk.” All that matters to them is to save face, so they only act respectfully when they care about their audience’s opinions. But that goes the other way around too. One time I went on a senior citizen cruise with my grandmother, who was in her 80s and had trouble walking. The people in their 60′s actually shoved my grandmother out of the way so they can get a better seat. In response, (and also in anger) I had no choice but to shove them back so my grandmother can get onto the cruise without breaking anything.
In America, people show less drastic acts of respect towards elders, but at least it’s all genuine. I think there’s also an emphasis on psychological age rather than physical age. People who act wise are respected more even if they might be younger. I like how this encourages the older generation to set good examples for the younger generations. I can openly express my disapproval of their actions without having to beat around the bush and trick them into it, which I think is the ultimate disrespect.
Jingidy’s got a good point. I think there are tendencies of AAs to hide behind their culture when it suites them, and hide behind americanism when it suites them.
I don’t see that as an advantage but a shortcoming for most. I think there is a general issue of lack of respect all around not just in the Asian community. It is global and since some of us notice that we need to at least conduct our actions with care and responsible intentions.
Love is present among people who care no matter what race they are. Same as hate being around those who fear.
I been through the same experience in Japan on the train as Shanghai Meime has. I remember I got upset and made those kids get out of their seat, but I ended up embarrasing the old lady instead. The people around us pretended to see nothing. Japan and their honor…My ass. I see more hope in the naive but genuine kids of America. (most seems genuinely selfish…LOL)
This save face crap is usless without honor and courage. As far as Honor goes I find most of the leftover honor goes to the 2nd and 3rd generation AAs who got the old school stuff passed down to them. In Asia, it got distorted in the last 45years. Here in america, the 1st and the 2nd gen did a good job passing some of it on to their kids.
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You got a point there. I never thought about it that way.
I lived in Korea and went to korean schools for a few years in my earlier life while also having lived in western culture the majority of my other life as well.
There are ups and downs for both cultures as is well presented by several of the commenters above me.
My thoughts is that respect to elderly and taking care of older people (especially giving the seat in the bus to the elderly) is very important, but the way how Asian culture over do this by requiring in the language itself (I speak Korean fluently, though recently English has become my first language (once again; it switched back and forth in my earlier years)) and not only to show respect, but hide pointing out faults of elders and allowing elders to hide behind their status even when they are doing wrong.
I think we can take the goods from both cultures. Both respect the elders, and not have to feel shame for pointing out when adults have made errors. And by respect, I think it’s more like taking care of elders, rather than giving them unconditional respect just because they are older. Young minds should be respected when they are psychologically older as someone pointed out above.
And although the intention of forcing respect to elders via rooting it in the language itself (Korean definitely does that, not entirely sure about Japanese, Chinese, and other asian languages, though I suspect so) is good, the reality is that people will hide behind it when it suits them, and good ideas can be lost just because it came from a younger person, which I think is terrible. It does not have to be rooted in the language at all to show respect, as I have seen when living in Singapore, where the majority of its citizens are asian, but virtually everyone speaks English as well because there are 4 official languages over there.
It’s hard to categorize broadly and say that one culture is good and another culture is bad, but I hope through globalization, a lot of the good aspects of each individual culture is preserved by the time the world becomes one big country in the future.