Reading a comment by zhangxiaoxiong in the The Fear of Rejection article, he made a great point that I wanted to expand on. A lot of us SAMs are Late Bloomers.
The problem with this is that by the time you’ve decided to try dating, you have the adult, uptight, and serious mentality. If you had started when you were younger, you were probably more flexible, carefree, didn’t think about marriage, and you were just having fun. But, starting when you’re 20 (or 30 or even 40), it’s quite frightening, and it feels like more is at stake. But, whether you start young or late, you have to go through the rejections if you really want a great partner. There’s no way around it. I think that dating and relationships is mostly about feel, and real experience cannot be replaced. That’s why I gawk when I hear about virgin SAMs who want to marry quickly despite not having real relationship experiences.
Why do many SAMs start dating late? A big part of it is because a lot of us were raised by strict parents who didn’t encourage dating. We were told to study…ALL the time! Any time we spent time playing games or hanging out, we’d be berated by our parents. “You’re wasting time! Go study!” Never was I ever encouraged to date girls, or have girls over. So, I was too embarrassed to do it, and so I never did. My parents weren’t affectionate either, so that didn’t help either. When watching TV with the family and a hot, kissing scene would come on, I would pretend that I wasn’t watching. (I would suddenly start reading the TV Guide like it was a bible!) I was SO uptight when I went to college that my voice would quiver when I had to speak with women.
Let’s take the opposite viewpoint of an Asian girl growing up. They may have had the same experience we did: strict parents, embarrassed about dating. However, since many times it is the guy who initiates the courting, she may have had several guys ask her out while she was in middle school or high school. Not SAMs, but non-Asian guys. At first, she may have ran away, considering her upbringing. But, after a few times, she probably opened up, and secretly dated these guys. So, an Asian girl would most likely have more experience dating than a SAM. It’s no secret that non-Asian kids are more affectionate and liberal about dating, and they start as early as elementary school. Considering a SAM will probably start dating after high school, that is a major advantage for non-Asians guys, don’t you think?
So, if a SAM were to ask out a girl in college, he will most likely be awkward. Even if it’s an Asian girl, considering what I wrote above, she would feel he is more uptight and naive compared to the non-Asian guys who have asked her out. It makes sense that many Asian girls would rather date a non-Asian, don’t you think? No contest. When the non-Asian guys are trying to kiss her on the first date, SAMs take 4 dates to finally hold hands!!
Obviously, there is nothing we can do about our past, and it makes no sense to blame our parents. What we can do is to understand this dynamic, and basically make up for the loss of time by dating lots of women, and reading and thinking about the topic. We really have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. Just take your time, learn from every experience, and enjoy the moments. That’s what I did, and now I have a great girl. Some of you may not be late bloomers, and I’d like to hear your experiences as well. In any case, when you become a parent, raise your SAM son to be a stallion from nursery school!