Many SAMs are Late Bloomers

late bloomer asian sam

"I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, too sexy it huuuurts"


Reading a comment by zhangxiaoxiong in the The Fear of Rejection article, he made a great point that I wanted to expand on. A lot of us SAMs are Late Bloomers.

The problem with this is that by the time you’ve decided to try dating, you have the adult, uptight, and serious mentality. If you had started when you were younger, you were probably more flexible, carefree, didn’t think about marriage, and you were just having fun. But, starting when you’re 20 (or 30 or even 40), it’s quite frightening, and it feels like more is at stake. But, whether you start young or late, you have to go through the rejections if you really want a great partner. There’s no way around it. I think that dating and relationships is mostly about feel, and real experience cannot be replaced. That’s why I gawk when I hear about virgin SAMs who want to marry quickly despite not having real relationship experiences.

Why do many SAMs start dating late? A big part of it is because a lot of us were raised by strict parents who didn’t encourage dating. We were told to study…ALL the time! Any time we spent time playing games or hanging out, we’d be berated by our parents. “You’re wasting time! Go study!” Never was I ever encouraged to date girls, or have girls over. So, I was too embarrassed to do it, and so I never did. My parents weren’t affectionate either, so that didn’t help either. When watching TV with the family and a hot, kissing scene would come on, I would pretend that I wasn’t watching. (I would suddenly start reading the TV Guide like it was a bible!) I was SO uptight when I went to college that my voice would quiver when I had to speak with women.

Let’s take the opposite viewpoint of an Asian girl growing up. They may have had the same experience we did: strict parents, embarrassed about dating. However, since many times it is the guy who initiates the courting, she may have had several guys ask her out while she was in middle school or high school. Not SAMs, but non-Asian guys. At first, she may have ran away, considering her upbringing. But, after a few times, she probably opened up, and secretly dated these guys. So, an Asian girl would most likely have more experience dating than a SAM. It’s no secret that non-Asian kids are more affectionate and liberal about dating, and they start as early as elementary school. Considering a SAM will probably start dating after high school, that is a major advantage for non-Asians guys, don’t you think?
virgin late bloomer asian guy sam
So, if a SAM were to ask out a girl in college, he will most likely be awkward. Even if it’s an Asian girl, considering what I wrote above, she would feel he is more uptight and naive compared to the non-Asian guys who have asked her out. It makes sense that many Asian girls would rather date a non-Asian, don’t you think? No contest. When the non-Asian guys are trying to kiss her on the first date, SAMs take 4 dates to finally hold hands!!

Obviously, there is nothing we can do about our past, and it makes no sense to blame our parents. What we can do is to understand this dynamic, and basically make up for the loss of time by dating lots of women, and reading and thinking about the topic. We really have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. Just take your time, learn from every experience, and enjoy the moments. That’s what I did, and now I have a great girl. Some of you may not be late bloomers, and I’d like to hear your experiences as well. In any case, when you become a parent, raise your SAM son to be a stallion from nursery school!

11 thoughts on “Many SAMs are Late Bloomers

  1. When I first read the headline, I thought you were about to talk about sex…hmmm, that could be another interesting post…

  2. It’s GOOD not to try to be kissing on the first date! I respected the one guy I dated who had some respect and decorum and didn’t treat me like piece of meat (at least not at first). The girl will feel valued, and sex will be better if you wait a while and get to know each other. It’s yucky to feel pressured.

  3. Interesting post – I don’t think it’s just dating in that SAM’s are late bloomers. I feel that at age 32, I am finally getting a chance to “grow up” and learn about the real world.

    Asian families sometimes are very restrictive in terms of dating, hobbies, friends, etc, etc and a lot of Asian kids do not grow out of it until later. Rebellion seems to come at a later age for Asian kids.

    That being said, I think a lot of younger Asian SAM’s, esp in areas like SF are dating at a young age. There are tons and tons of Asian high schoolers around here in SF especially the public schools.

    I’m sure there’s a fair percentage of the typical “study, study” kids. But with a lot of schools being majority of Asians, you get a mix of athletes, geeks and every in-between.

    I think an environment of majority of Asians allow some SAM’s to take charge of situations that otherwise they might not have when there were other nationalities around.

    I think that SF (as well as any other areas with schools that have a lot of Asians) will breed a new generation of SAM’s. One that will take charge, be outgoing and fade into the background as the older generation.

    The future I think is bright. :)

  4. Well, I don’t know about Grandmama. I went out with a girl on a first date and she asked me up to her place. I was trying to be respectful of her on the first date (against my better judgement) so I didn’t make a move. We were just on the couch talking for a while. To make a long story short, I called her later and she never returned my calls. Found out that she ended up dating another guy instead. Confucius say, “he who hesitates, …”

    But yeah, I was a super late bloomer. My parents never showed affection. Talk of sex or dating was taboo. In highschool I moved but corresponded with this really beautiful girl through letters. (yeah, I am that old). My mom would hand me the letters opened. It didn’t take long for me to stop writing out of sheer discomfort knowing she would open each one the poor girl wrote back.

    It’s such a horrible way to raise your kid. We become so awkward with the opposite sex for lack of interaction.

  5. Damn..i thought it was about sex too.Leave it for another post i guess!Anyway im a lte bloomer as well.Havent really dated anyone seriously,never had a r-ship(im 26 now).Ive gone out with some girls although most wouldnt be considered romantic,had a fling or two but overall im slow.Slow to pick up signals,to make a move etc etc.Its so much easier being friends with a girl(even that took me a while)and i dont have it in me to try to move things along.

  6. Also now im starting to get worried.The way things are and how i dont do anything to change them(approach girls and talk to them more)i feel its gonna be the same a couple of years from now and then i will be getting desperate e.g searching online.Not only that i dont have any r/ship experience and i feel that and all the other factors are going to hurt later.I hate this whole “game”and how some ppl make it out to be thats it should be a goal in our lives to find a significant other or settle for anything you get.

  7. The easy remedy for this: Have lots and lots of friends who are females. Seriously, take every opportunity there is to make more female friends and socialize with them. Soon, it won’t be so discomforting or awkward to talk to a female. Who says you have to date a girl to get to know a girl? Hang out with them, study with them. That way you can socialize with them without having the romantic pressure get to you and becomes much easier on you when you actually do get a date.

    Hint: The hotter the girl you are friends with, the better. Preparation is key.

  8. I’m a late bloomer sort of. Been in a relationship for a long time since high school but now that I’m single I’m such a man whore LOL. SAM just needs to hang out with other more confident SAM and learn from them or any other people who are successful with women. I’m trying to spread the words to all young SAM to not get a girlfriend and just date a lot LOL.

  9. Enigma, do you know what insanity is? Insanity is when you do the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. If you want to change, then it’s up to you to change your actions. That goes for all SAMs. Everybody is different, and some SAMs like to live alone, and that’s fine. But, if you aren’t happy with being single, then it’s up to you to change. And, actually, online dating is not taboo anymore, and lots of people meet great partners that way. So, give it a try if you haven’t already. But, you are relatively young, so keep your chin up. 26 is young dude.

  10. As for the comment about hanging out with lots of girls as friends, it doesn’t work. Why? Cause they view you like a brother, and won’t cross that line. Everybody welcome to the Twi…Friends Zone.

    The right way is to be social with many girls, and work on them so they know you want something more than friends. This is called subtle flirtation and humor.

    And yeah Ref, there is no replacement for experience. You have to experience the playerette,the gold digger, the clingy one, but also whether or not staying with the average girl is what you really want.

    Honestly I hate leading girls till I find a replacement, so I bite the bullet and end it. And experience is a bastard again, cause ending a relationship is not fun work. But a two months down the road, I got to meet a few amazing women. I’m still single, but have more pressing issues right now.

    But its the whole learning to ride a bike thing, you need to go through it to learn. And one thing you learn, sometimes you want to change and sometimes you don’t, but change can be painful sometimes.

  11. Whewh you guys. I don’t get the chance to sit down and check this site for a week, and now I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.

    Anyways, I remember reading a good point about Asian Males. I think it was Terry Woo’s Banana Boys, but I could be wrong. You kind hit on this in the post, but from a young age, we’re told: get good grades, get an education, get a good job, find a wife. All in that order. We’re taught how to get an education, and how to find a good job, but we aren’t really prepared on how to socialize and approach women. Is it any wonder why some of us are social misfits?

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