SAMs: Marriage isn’t a cure all

marriage20.jpgIt seems there is a naive way of thinking amongst SAMs and other Asians. They feel that once they are married, they are complete. In other words: Marriage = Happiness. Once they are married, the nagging mom will stop, and she will be SO happy for you. Once you are married, you will be in bliss, and everyday will be full of love and laughter. Bullshit.

If anything, that’s when the challenges start! When you’re married, you and your spouse will spend everyday dealing with each other’s issues. When you’re in a serious relationship where you can’t run, you really have to deal with the demons. I’ve seen a lot of married people who are constantly battling each other. You wonder why they even got together. But, it makes sense because only a few of us will marry someone who is so compatible that everyday will be pleasure.

And, consider yourself lucky if your family likes who you marry. Chances are, there will be issues with your mom and her, or your dad or sister or somebody in your clan. Or, her parents are hard to get along with for you. Further, you’ll feel the pressure to provide grandkids, and visit the family more often. Once you have kids, you’ll be changing diapers when you really want to join your SAM buddies online for a game of HALO 10.

Further, the divorce rate last I heard in the US is about 50%!!! Granted, Asians tend to be more traditional and stay together even if they aren’t getting along. But, as we get more Americanized, you probably won’t want to settle for an incompatible spouse when you see all that hot booty walking around. So, again, marriage isn’t the cure all. Once you’re married, you’re off the market, and you can’t touch the merchandise anymore, unless you really want to wreck your marriage. A lot of guys have problems with this, not to mention ladies. So, really enjoy your single life before you get married. Carpe Deim, SAMs!

I know as SAMs and AAs, it’s tough when you have that traditional thinking, nagging mom on your back, but really think about this. The good that will come out of it is that you won’t be that desperate guy/girl who is thinking about marriage on the first date. That’s a major turn-off, and it prevents you from enjoying the moment, and showing your natural, relaxed self. Instead, you’ll have a realistic perspective where you understand that marriage isn’t a goal, it’s an outcome of dating someone who is compatible, spending long hours with them, and finally committing because you finally feel like settling down and changing diapers.

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16 thoughts on “SAMs: Marriage isn’t a cure all

  1. Yea I can concur to this. My parents argue all the time, I’ve never seen them show each other any public display of affection at all and sometimes they fight physically too -_-. Sometimes I wonder if they are even married at all cause they never act like it.

  2. Well, thats typical of Asian parents, thats why most of us hopefully never make that mistake and actually find someone compatible.

    Marriage should be taken seriously, and not gone into with eyes closed or saying “Well, I can always divorce later”. When divorce rolls around, you will think to yourself why didn’t I just take more time it wouldn’t have cost me as much as its costing me now.

    Face it we live in the age of the undo button, like in all pc programs – we want our lives to be that easy. When we fuck up, there isn’t any undo button in life so don’t rush into shit people.

    Frankly I don’t know but it seems when people get married in the back of their minds they say to themselves you can relax now you don’t have to court your lover anymore. Thats when both people start to let themselves go, and not care as much about the details or each other.

    And its funny that it takes a funeral or a near death experience to shake us up into taking inventory of our lives. Otherwise we just go on like genderless repetitive automotons. Simple formula and secret of life – if your partner makes you happy, you reciprocate and then they reciprocate and so on and so on, both parties are happy.

    Then the rest of life can be managed or handled, but people are too damned selfish. Its always whats in it for me? If you have a selfish partner that doesn’t reciprocate after you make them happy, then all its going to do is frustrate you in the end — so find one that does and start to enjoy your life.

    Why do you think people like one night stands, theres this euphoria like feeling thats similar to when you first started dating someone new. But when thats all over the next day, you must go out bar hopping again because its like a fix, an addiction. Otherwise you’re just by your lonesome self, thinking how pathetic you are.

    To be honest thats why I think guys haven’t grown up to have a mature loving relationship that will strengthen and benefit both parties. Many guys are just like older looking kids, who just want the next shiny toy to play with. But sad enough those are the ones that will be single and still act like their in college when their older, trying to relive the glory days. Why do you think they call it the glory days, cause now you’re fucking old now – but don’t want to admit it. Face it denial is easier than facing real life.

    So don’t jump into marriage when you’re damaged goods, find out whats damaged with yourself first and fix it. Don’t expect your girlfriend of future wife to fix your problems, they’d rather leave you for the guy whos got it together. Cause if you go damaged into a relationship you bring with you your baggage. Be a fucking man and fix your issues, before you’re some shmuck with a broken marriage on Dr. Phil or worse Jerry Springer.

  3. Let me preface this by saying that I’ve never been married. Being in my mid-30s though, I have a couple of close who have been marired anywhere from 2 years to 7.

    I don’t mean to simplify too much here but the thought crossed my mind that some people are just better at the skills required to be happily married. It’s a complex set of skills involving a lot of things. So take the guy who has those skills. If he chooses a bad match, those skills will be put to the test. If you meet the love of your life, even with mediocre skills, you might have a great marriage.

    What exactly are the skills needed? I think one major skill is the ability to see the potential wife for who they truly are. I’m not sure how good I am at that so I would make sure I have people I can consult with that skill. Another thing, they aren’t always skills per se. They could be personality traits like loyalty, self-respect, tenacity.

    I guess this may seem a too technical or scientific view of marriage. But I definitely think that marriage is too often thought of as a magical state of bliss that lasts forever. So SAMs, one way to look at it is that being single is preparation for marriage. Being single and miserable because of it probably will skew your judgment. Being single in the right way could really help your marriage skills.

  4. I’d have to agree with this. I’m not sure why I got into this state of mind. Maybe it’s because I see every friend around me dating (numbers shrinking) and getting married (numbers are growing).

    Not having seriously dated much at all in my lifetime (I am the stereotypical SAM!! :), I’ve had to think about myself and why that was the case.

    I’ve done a lot of what the various articles on this site have said. I’ve been the nice guy (falling for a girl who had no interest in me, but using me anyway). I’ve been the picky guy (dismissing girls because they didn’t look good).

    However, that was a few years ago. I think my perspective has improved and I’m trying to get into a dating frame of mind. I am trying to find girls whose personalities I find “attractive” and let it roll.

    Hopefully, whenever I do get marries, I will avoid all the traps my parents did. I honestly wonder how my parents ever got married.

  5. I agree marriage should be looked upon as a lifetime project you can apply your skills to. I’m not saying don’t enjoy it, but too many people go into it being blissful and when the bliss wears off then reality sets in.

    I wholeheartly agree with mangohare “As long as there is a connection above the neck, they will always look good and the connection below is going to be fantastic.”

    Technically you can have sex with any woman, but can you have a great stimulating conversation with any woman? Remember an intelligent woman can be a sexy one too, many forget the brain to be a sex organ. I mean you have to come up with ways of enjoying each other correct? And I mean doggy style is not a going to keep your marriage going.

    Which brings me to my next point, my woman has got to enjoy having sex. I don’t think I can marry a prude. And I’m not just in it for the sex, the mature man knows that the level of intimacy with someone close during sex is better than any one night stands by leaps and bounds.

  6. Coach41, it sounds like you’re moving in the right direction, and that’s great. The marriage issue aside, nothing is stopping you from meeting different women, and just enjoying the moments, you know? In this country people are very liberal about marriage age, so you’re still in the game. Thank goodness were not in Asia where age 30 is considered OLD!

  7. Ref,

    But in Asia old folks like me don’t have to worry about age gap as much as I would here in the US.

    I have no interest in categorizing my mate with race, age, type, and personality. I do have a prefence, however for some one to be independent physically for instance. My girl’s gotta kick ass. I go to too many crazy places.

  8. blade-edge,

    Thanks for “clarifying” what I was trying to say last night. I was a little tired and not thinking clearly. What I have realized that a women I can have a great conversation with is more “beautiful” than just good looking gal whom I can’t really talk to. I guess it’s part of the growing up process, but I am trying to get to know this girl who I met a few years ago. We clicked pretty well and some people thought we might be good together. I was “chasing after a dream” (aka unattainable girl) and so didn’t do anything.

    However, I run into the gal in a few months ago while I was reffing some hoops and something “clicked” in my head. I realized we get along pretty well, let’s give it a shot. So, we’ve been talking and I’ve been trying to get her to do stuff. Alas, she just finished a program in school and now job hunting. We’ll see what happens.

  9. You know, marriage and relationships are hard work. I have never been married, nor come close to it, but based on experiences I’ve seen concering my married friends, siblings, etc…it’s work. And it’s about communication and understanding each other on deeper levels.

    And as for life skills? It’s called maturity; or wisdom/experience. Sure, some guys are just not cut out for marriage. These are the nimrods who marry, wind up cheating on their wives, get caught, get divorced with their ex-spouses taking half of their pension and taking the kids away.

    You really do have to find a woman who’s going to be your biggest fan, who’ll understand you completely, and who’ll be your best friend. And you better find a woman who’ll you want to be her biggest fan and supporter. If you read up on this, frequency of sex in marriages dwindle because it’s a chemical change in your hormones and becomes a much deeper, more passionate type of love. In the beginning, you won’t be able to keep your hands off each other. But like others have posted here, if that’s all you have in your relationship, then it ain’t gonna last long if you can’t talk to her about anything.

  10. coach41,

    good luck re-connecting with that woman. Life is funny sometimes, but hell, if you have some sort of chemistry with her, then that’s half the battle.

  11. Coach41 all the best with hooking up with that girl of yours. Your friends think it is a good match, then thats great and you just happened to bump into her, good as well. Life is funny sometimes and things happen for a reason, don’t read too much into that just take it at face value.

    And stop with that unattainable girl bs, if you think that way then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and she might just BECOME unattainable by your own fault.

    Shes just a girl, you click with her and you’re going to see if theres more to it — shes not unattainable.

    When I see a pretty girl or a girl you like, you tend to put an automatic spin on it and put her above you. Try to get past her looks, her charm or whatever attracts you to her. Think she is just a woman who happened to be blessed, now shes going to get the opportunity to impress me (you). But I got to talk to her to know more.

    Do yourself a favour and learn from my mistakes, stay out of the friends zone its like a ship trying to pass by a whirlpool. It sucks you in before you know it.

    Get to know her better for a few weeks (like 3) for coffee/hot choc, lunch, maybe a walk – this is for info searching her likes and dislikes, don’t waste the time oogling.

    Then ask her out on a date, and make sure she knows its a date and not an “outing” or “get together”. Try to keep from doing boyfriend things with her to a BARE minimum, like going shopping with her, watching a movie -cause you’re suddenly BUSY. You can do all those things later AS her boyfriend, UNLESS of course you’re using these occasions to make a move on her.

    Making a move meaning kiss her or flirt/touch and making her know your intentions. Don’t participate in these occasions just to try and hold her hand or some shit like that — you need to go in for the kiss somewhere.

    If it gets awkward DON’T APOLOGIZE, you didn’t do anything wrong. Just smile while looking away, then continue talking about what you’re doing at the moment like the coffee place you’re in, or the movie you’re watching like nothing ever happened. And start looking back to see if shes still uncomfortable or coy.

    I just felt like giving a few tips whether you use them or not its totally up to you, all the best

  12. Oh, and like Mojorider and my point of view, pointed out in our posts – Don’t get married if you’re not mature enough. You’re just asking for major problems, we’re guys we can always marry younger we don’t have no biological clocks. Find the right person first.

    On the flipside don’t use that as an excuse to be a bachelor till you’re 40 and date 20 year olds.

    Also I think this is related to the topic of marriage, about having kids. Don’t have kids if you don’t think you can afford them or look after them. My older, older brother has a 4 year old boy that he drops at my moms place, where I too live since I’m the youngest.

    And I must tell you its bloody hard work just for that once a week, so imagine the rest of your lives. You have kids you’re living for them, and you know how kids turn out. They turn out to be teenagers that don’t appreciate anything you have to give them. Unless you’re one of those perfect parents like the kents on Smallville you have nothing to worry about.

    So think hard about it cause only now getting older do I think, you know what I was a shitty kid from their perspective. So when you become a parent, do you think it will be different?

    My nephew, he’s in whatever kindergarden for 5 days a week till 5pm and they still have to drop him here on Saturday, so they only see him a full day once a week, Sunday. What kind of parent is that, yeah they need a day to themselves but they made the decision to have kids. So they should BURDEN the RESPONSIBILITIES of having kids and being parents, they still want to have another one.
    Oh, and on their day off they go play golf, honestly I think thats bloody stupid. They still want their YUPPIE lives, but they also want kids.

    In my humble opionion this is not a way to bring up your kids, thats why there are so many punks these days. They need a solid foundation and a good slap if they get out of hand. My nephew does whatever he likes, and must be given whatever he wants or tantrums a plenty. We all know in our days as kids, we got out of hand we…well I got to bend and get spanked with a cane. And you never did anything remotely bad after that, or you tried very hard not to.

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